Thoughts - Deep, Down, Inside…

People like to go overseas for holidays. Some like to see the beautiful sceneries that are absent in their own nation, some like to get a taste of other culture, while other purely like to spend their time relaxing in a foreign land.

There are popular countries or states to go to, like Japan, Australia, Britain, US, France, Italy, Venice and Haiwaii, often chosen for the various reasons stated above. Would you want to go to places like Iraq, Afganistanistan, Myanmar and Sri Lanka. Maybe you would, but often after thinking thrice. I do not have to elaborate the reason here.

Humans always glamorise and seek for the better side of world, and ignore the more chaotic, more troubled side of the world. We have become so indulged in it that we often discuss about chaos in peace. For example, debating among high school students about who’s right and who’s wrong in an armed comflict within an air-conditioned theatre, learning about reasons behind wars in a classroom nicely decorated with festive wishes like ‘merry christmas and happy new year’, and holding international summits, conferences and mulitlateral talks in posh, 5-star hotels.

I was also particularly stunned with the way many high-ranking military personnel behaved in the organising of certain South-East Asia nations alliance’s defence ministers meeting. OK, it was obvious the topic of the meeting was about defence issues. It puzzled me when it was held in a well known local 5-star hotel. Yes it was natural that the organisation of this meeting was taken charge by the local military, but it stunned me when high-ranking military officers were not very concerned about what were the issues that were going to be brought up during the meeting, but rather they were more concerned about how the environment was being set up. They even went down to checking on nitty gritty details like how the fonts of certain displays were supposed to look like, how certain curtains should be placed, and how certain cutlery settings should be adjusted. I mean these things should be taken care of by lower ranking officers and personnel. Why should these high ranking personnel be bothered by these details when they should be more concerned with the military issues brought up during the meeting? These issues could very well influence the direction of command of the armed forces at least for the next few years! I am really puzzled when it looked as though they were not at least concerned when all they speak of were the running of the event. I am even more puzzled when they looked more nervous when discussing about the details than making public speeches, as though their heads will literally roll if any VIPs were to make bad comment on any of these details. I think that heads WILL literally roll instead if they are not concerned about the military issues discussed! Is face value more important than the military issues discussed which warrants more immediate attention?

I am also baffled when I realised it is becoming a trend to involve golf games and spouses in multilateral military meetings. I got a glimpse of the video that was to be shown before a dinner attended by the defence ministers, and I saw shots taken during the golf games played by the ministers as part of the meeting event. I find it a joke and disgrace to include the golf games photos in the video! Why should people be so proud of playing games of golf during a DEFENCE minister meeting? And what had spouses got to do with DEFENCE???

Maybe you might say that I am too serious -or even naive- for feeling this way, as you might tell me that all these games and dinners which are organised on top of the main meeting are in attempt to enhance multilateral relationships and foster stronger multilateral ties, which in the larger picture, benefit the countries in the long run. But I believe there should be more active ways to do achieve this aim, rather than holding meeting in a 5-star posh hotel, in midst of gala dinners, golf games, spouses and wines. A more realistic view should be taken in such summits when there are STILL very real problems of unrest in countries within the region, like in Myanmar and Southern Thailand.

Do you think this is ironic? I find it very much so. If you were to ask me how such meetings should be done then, I would say that it should be held in the countries facing unrest itself, free from the comfort zone. I believe better solutions could be formulated when the top people get to see buckets of blood splashed on the streets instead of glasses of wine held in their own hands.

Of course people are more unwilling, and lot more coordination needs to be done, like getting the governement of the subject nation to agree to the holding of the meetings on their land. But wouldn’t this be more worth it if better solutions could be found to solve the unrest and conflicts, and to stop even more blood and lives lost?

Maybe it all boils down to the workings and effectiveness of multi-national associations. If this is really the trend and the mutually-agreed way of working, I really do not have confidence that such alliances and associations can really stop the next world war from happening.

With even more deadly nuclear weapons present now, which destructive power and quantites were unheard of during the last world war, the world will definitely be destroyed faster by a WWIII than Global Warming.

Continuing….

I am sorry that the irritating email notifying that ‘Zi Cheng has updated his blog’ had once again appeared in your mailbox. But maybe you will not even recieve my apologies as you might already have deleted the mail, with your mind thinking ‘aiyah, another Zi Cheng’s chim blog’

You might think it is chim because it is not the kind of blog most people have, which records personal history. I do not know what is the purpose to post such blogs. Maybe as a diary? But why would anyone want to read somebody else’s diary? o.O

My purpose for posting my blog in this way, is to put down my thoughts and worries, because I need people to read. I need people to read because I need advice. It is not a blog which I post for the sake of posting or to occupy time.

And also, I like it this way. It is also a channel to organise my thoughts for reflection.

It is not even chim. Perhaps some of you are thinking I am naive and immature instead, Perhaps some of you whom think that blogging is a waste of time might be thinking ‘Zi Cheng is so pathetic that he have to pour his worries on a blog’. Perhaps some of you might think that you have better things to do at such a time of the night, like restoring energy for the following day to go all out again to earn your big bucks, and think that bloggers are naive. Perhaps you might think that Zi Cheng should get a life.

Perhaps.

Right. There are so many perhaps now. So many options to choose from. So many thoughts going through my mind. Like Mid-Life Crisis, I term this situation as Post-Teen Crisis, and I would say this symptom is unique only in Singapore.

Singaporean children (I mean children who are born, studied and grew up here and do not face with financial, domestic, health and academic problems. There are many) are living in a sheltered environment. See it for yourself. Have you ever worried about what primary school you have to enter when you were six? Did you ever need to worry about where to go after you graduate from primary school, secondary school, or for some even JC? Did you ever worry about what modules of education you can choose from when the only education syllabus in Singapore is the Cambridge’s? If yes, the destination of choice still often lies within the Singapore context, where all the planning are already done by the government. It seems to me that many a times, the future for Singaporean children had been planned for. Thanks PM Lee for accusing local graduates for lacking entrepreneurship to allow me realise this.

It is only up till now that I REALLY start to worry about the future. All the while when people ask me “what you wanna be in the future”, I have always been giving random replies, in attempt to save my own face, as I did not have any serious aspirations in mind to work towards to. I believe most of the time when people ask their peers “what you wanna be in the future”, its most of the time for comparison, for self-confidence boosting, or looking for prospective business target. At least these are always the reason why I ask, I don’t know if is true for you.

Bet you didn’t know that. That is why I changed my blog title to the current one. These are deep down thoughts. Deep down thoughts that I want you to know. Deep down thoughts that I want you to know hoping to recieve your comments and advice.

It came down to me that I really dunno what I wanna be. But like other people, I only have the end results that I want in mind. I want to earn lotsa money, to travel round the globe, to have my own car, to live in a bungalow with a grand piano and a huge backyard, etc.

However, I have not seriously thought about the answer to the most important question in life: What do I wanna do to achieve all these, while in the process enjoy and love what I are doing?

Of course there are many ways on how I can achieve all my dreams. But the tricky part lies in “in the process enjoy and love what I am doing”. Many a times people worked all their life hating their job, and some in the end did not even fulfill their dreams set when they were young.

I still cannot answer to “what I wanna be in the future”. I have several choices to choose from. I even came up with a table to weigh the possibilities between some careers I would love to take on with the careers that can make my dreams come true faster. It was not very useful though. I ended up undecided still. However in the process I realised there isn’t a career which can I love and at the same time allow me to achieve my dreams fast. Many a times we can’t have the cake and eat it, face it.

Unless someday I will start to love a career in which I can earn big bucks fast. And I think that is very much based on affinity with the career, which cannot very much be controlled. It makes me wonder even more how it can be done, which in turn frustrate me more.

This has been what’s on my mind recently, ever since being reminded that I am going to be kicked out of the comfort zone, to graduate from the grow-up plan laid by the Singapore Government for SIngapore children. In other words, I am going to ORD from the 2 years of National Service. I omitted the adjective for “National Service” in attempt to protect myself from further trouble. I mean “further trouble” as in literally. Those who know what I mean, you know. Feel free to ask if you don’t, and I will explain to you the meaning behind the adjective I would use with all that I can so that you will understand the reason behind for using the adjective.

After much thinking, I realised that I have been too undecided with the choices on my hand. I have been thinking too much of ‘what if’s. I have been exploring too much on what I should not and will not want to do.

I came up with a principle - Do what you think you should be doing, enjoy it, don’t regret.

And I should also start exploring what I can do and will want to do.

I realised that one should never never run away from reality. Or we will find ourselves wasting time worrying. Alson once told me, there is no such thing as no choice, as there is always a choice. It only depends whether one can bear the consequences for making the choice.

I think I am writing this in a way like an email. If there was a ‘high importance’ sign which can be tagged on this entry (those who uses microsoft outlook express, and of course, those with an ‘ISAC card’, will know), I would have used it. Using that function means the message/ mail requires acknowledgement/ reply. In this case I ask for your comment and advice.

If you coincidentally are in the same dire straits as I am, please share with me how you are managing and dealing with me. I really like to know what are the choices which you have.

However, if you are still in the comfort zone, try to get yourself out of it. If you do not even realise that you are in the comfort zone, read -> If you realised you have not experienced hardship (not from some school camps that you have gone through) and yet thinking that you are suceeding in life, you ARE in the comfort zone, still stuck in Singapore’s very own ‘grow-up plan’ and competing with fishes in a fish tank. Yes you are succeeding…….in following successfully with the ‘grow-up plan’. For guys, if you still have not even gone through NS, most likely you are still lying comfortably in the zone, as the future might still seem far to you. Just like how I thought before I enlisted. You will not feel so comfortable once the reality of ORD has downed upon you, when you will realise it is tomorrow when you will need to go out and work to feed yourself, or to further your studies in a university where you will need to get a degree to secure a good job (we shall not discuss what is a ‘good’ job. I know people in business or marketing will definitely argue). You will start to feel the need to survive to become more and more immediate, and start to fear that your dreams will not be fulfilled.

They say “everyday is a learning day”, and I think I am starting to understand the meaning further each day.

I learn something at every reflection. What about you? Care to share?

I am actually trying to write a post about my thoughts again. I gave up.

I found out that there are so many things in my mind that I could not organise them. So many events that have influenced my thinking since I last posted a blog entry. Give me some time.

Just came back from a 4 hour cycling routine. It was a good time for reflection.

Let me try to organise my thoughts first.

I have reached the point of desperation. Emotional and psychological desperation.

The Life is now only filled with temporal satisfaction of physical and superficial needs, while the base has been slowly eroding. This is what people refer to as the bottom of the heart, the inner heart, the inner world etc. They say truth is found at this ‘inner world’, where what you truly believe in exist. It is where your morals and principles are found. Never mind how it was constructed, that is not the point.

I think I have lost that now.

I have not been thinking, feeling, and acting based on my ‘inner world’. Morals have lost its judgement for my actions, principles have lost its control for my thinking, and values have lost its say over my feelings. I am not what I am now. Pressure is forcing me to act not like me. I have done things morally wrong, really wrong….I don’t like it.

I just wanna to be a good man, a good son, a good friend, and a good potential boyfriend/ husband.

All this uniformed bullshit politics better stop before I go crazy.

Please release me and allow me to get back to my friends, to my family, and to myself. Please allow mw to get back to my world to find back my own thinking, morals, ethics and principles…myself.

Please allow to me join back the human world to find my dream girl, like all the others who have already found theirs.

I can never believe such an organisation can ever exist in this world,,,Would God had created this? You would say yes, he had created this to make people tougher. Then why would anybody sign the contract to stay in it? These people have been made crazy? Cumon there must be other ways to make people tougher. Not by punishing scapegoats, play the ’shoot arrow’ game, or enforcing disclipine by punishment. Where is the Love? So unlike the Divine’s usual doing…

Ok, if this was really a way to make me tougher, please stop. I had enough.

Please allow time for a psychological timeout, an emotinal kit-kat. Unless you want guilt to overrun me.

I Need To Find Back Myself, My Old Self.

Slowly, slowly, the feeling just creeps away.

It is getting more and more difficult to describe my feelings. I don’t even know what is it now. Workload does not matter anymore, it piles up anyway. I am expected to multitask, to hold many posts, to be superman. But no I am not superman.

But I am not complaining, I don’t feel tired, I don’t feel stressed. Perhaps it because nobody realises what I have been doing…It is just a numb feeling. I don’t feel anything at all when I see people arriving late and leaving early for work-these people have been deliberately complaining that they had nothing to do, and they don’t realised how much more freedom they have in return to organise their thoughts, to cultivate their mind, and to stop their footsteps to reflect on their daily actions.

Workload just piles up, and I just ended up staring into space, wondering what should be done first.

I don’t have time to think for what I am doing. Worse, I can’t feel for what I am doing. I don’t want to do things this way.

The meaning of living is to do the things that you feel for. It is a tragedy to work a man like a machine.

Losing the spirit to fight for fairness, losing the will to complain. Soon I will lose the meaning of life.

The indifference feeling while working had made me feel unexcited about weekends as well. It feels worse to realise that there is nothing at all do when there is no work. Now it is not about wanting to do something for the weekend, but it is about not wanting to do nothing and staying at home for the weekends. It is sad.

To me, working overtime is the one thing that is harms one’s mental and psychological well being the most. The damage is evident in me.

Soon you will find that you are lacking of time for yourself, and lose your thoughts subsequently. Very soon you will also lose yourself.

This should be classifed as a recognised mental disease.

Reminiscing with old friends brings back old memories. Recently old friends have came back into my life. Its a nice feeling. Many will tend to say it is because of the good times they had with these friends before. I just realised this is also a reminder that I am in the bad times NOW, bad enough to make me miss the good times that I had in the past.

As you can see, there are always two sides of life. Stay on the bright side to live longer. Well, there is also another way, act blur.

It has been a long time since I have got this feeling. Different people have different experiences. Go experience it yourself. Go feel for it, not for its worth, not for its effect, but for its feelings, then maybe you will understand how I feel. I would not describe it as nice, its a sudden realisation, an enlightenment. Perhaps Science is not really my cuppa tea.

The trigger is meagre, but the impact is extraordinary.

‘I love you, do you love me?’ Mundane. But being able to bring out the true meaning of this simple question is revolutionary. Though its more towards fiction, it illustrated his sense of the meaning of Timeless Love, with the effects of the old 18th century artistic nature. Brilliant. Its baseless, independent of History, place and time. It only expresses the feelings in the heart.

He is beyond an idol, he is a genius. Too bad his works are often regarded as common entertainment. Damn those profit-centric produce, they are crap. If only he lived in the times of Chopin and Beethoven.

It Is Secret.

You may not feel as I do towards it. But if you do, do tell me how you feel towards it, and I then will know, I have a pal.

No its not about the movie. I have not watched it yet.
But I have realised as we grow older, with more things in hands to handle, I am starting to become more and more….alone.
It is like a competition everywhere. Even among friends. I can’t say how. Maybe the definition of friends changes when we get older. Well I am no longer a teenager.
No one understands each other anymore, even among the family.
It is true, everybody is but for himself. I shall not get angry with that anymore.
I have to face it alone. No one is going to help when in need. At this age, help seems like a tool to win acceptance.
I have to face it. I only have myself. People are only going to sympathise if I fail or die. Or well, what can they do right? Everyone is but for himself. Love is scarce.
Yes to me now opposite of love is not hate, but selfishness. And selfishness is not something bad. It is normal. A nature.
Come what may.

There are so many things left unseen in this world: the beautiful sights, the wonderful landscape scenery, and the ugly sight of Human nature. It is only when one is abroad, with only himself as the only person he can trust and depend on, who can realise this. Going abroad with a group of people you are forced to be with makes it scary, especially with colleages that you must work with. Maybe this is how friends are made, but what happens if you cannot make friends these people? The ugly side of Human nature starts to surface. You do not know what is hiding behind the scary smiles that they put on their face. You do not know how much they hate or like you behind the jokes they make in attempt to lighten up the atmosphere. You do not know how many backstabs and badmouth they have made on you. You don’t know what yoou can tell them and what you cannot tell them.The worst is you have heard them badmouthing another person but you do not know whether they have done the same on you. In the situation when you are abroad and away from your families and friends, you only know best what is in your own mind and heart, and it is only then when neutral things with no feelings, like the beautiful landscapes and sceneries that you do not get at home seems to so especially soothing and heartwarming. Maybe this is the reason why I like to cycle and go window-shopping alone. Yes you may say I am anti-social, but to me there are really too many beautiful things in this world to go see and feel for, then to waste time and deal with unneccesary human relationships. It is also because of this that makes me increasingly hate going back to work as you-know-what (well it is a crime to talk here about what kind of work I do ;I). Being the surbordinate makes me bound to work for the superior’s ego and sometimes under their fury. What is worst is all the things you have done are not being appreciated, at all, let alone be recognised, even by your own fellow colleagues.

Human relationships are one of the most difficult things in this mortal world to learn to deal with, and I feel that it will take me one whole lifetime to learn.

But I still like to roam around alone abroad at unfamiliar places. It is only this that can allow me to experience the true local flavours, unscarred by troublesome human relationships meddling.

Being in the last of my teenage years certiainly makes me feel lost. Or maybe it is because I live in a sheltered enironment that makes me feel so. Looking at other people and many of my peers, they look as though they are all getting on fine with their lives and knows exactly what they want to do in their lives. They seems to be very much in control of their own lives.
Its my last teenage year, I am 19, but yet it also confirmed that time past real quickly. It seems as though it was only last week when I first stepped into the gates of Fuhua Secondary School, with Mr Chua asking me to join NCC. It seems like it was ytd when I quarrelled with Justin over minor issues in the school. And it seems like only just now that I just came back from extra Chemistry Tutorials scheduled by Ms Yamuna.
It will then be tomorrow when i turn 30, just like the NSman BSO i just umpired for evaluation this week…
What would I be like then? Would I have earned lotsa money? Would I have gotten married? Would I be happy then? Or would I not be able to get to that age?….
Whatever it is, I only know that it is only what I want to do now that decides for me what I will become in the future. Now is the important stage people. And yet it is just because it matters now that makes me feel stressed and lost. And to some who do not feel the same as me, you may think that I am a weakling. But I am like that, I am Zi Cheng, so what? Not happy? If you have a plan so be it, good for you. In the meanwhile let me think of what I really want.
Thanks to NS, where people always suffer alone in silence, what I really need now is a confidant, whom I can share my worries with, whom I can be with to share my happiness, whom I can love…
Yes, you might be thinking, “what the f***, damn bloody desperate la zi cheng, disgusting!” But as I said, I am like that, I am Zi Cheng, so what? Not happy?
Until you are in my shoes, then don’t give me that kinda of eyes and phrases like that. And don’t tell me NS is easy, its short, only 2 years, and so many people have gone through it, if you are not in NS yourself. Even you are in it, you do get the same shit as i do, and I do not get the same shit as you do too.
As I said, I am like that, I am Zi Cheng, so what? Not happy?