Hi people I changed my blog again! This time its at blogspot, I think it should be the last time I am changing it hehe. Completed with music and pictures ITS GOOD!
Here you go:
http://onezicheng.blogspot.com
Leave comments ya?? (:
Hi all, I have decided to change my blog html again because I do not wish for the subject matter in the first post to read it. Here it is!
http://onezicheng.wordpress.com/
Many thoughts to come, more spiritual commune, more “chim” posts! Haha!
Migration is inevitable. Please leave your comments ok?
Here are my true thoughts, feelings and 100% raw rants.
http://zicheng.wordpress.com/
Alright I found out that it has been AGES since I have last entered this place to blog.
I don’t really have alot of ideas this time round to start all the ra-ra and all the huh-zi-cheng-I-don’t-understand-what-you-are-talking-about-again feelings in me. Its not the late night deep emo burst I have again. I just feel that I should keep this place alive.
So get ready for some random thoughts.
It is not that I have nothing to say, that nothing big has happened and everything is fairytale-like to me. NO! It just that all my burdens has now become not my burden anymore. It has become God’s burden. I only need to pray. So all my words went into prayers instead of coming to here. So literally thank God, ’cause now your eyes can have more rest instead of reading all my ra-ras and complaints.
Easter was nothing like before this year. It has become from a day of anger, denial and uneasiness to a day of joy, peace and sacrifice. Those of you who knows, knows, and it was a great performance wasn’t it? Only if the whole world was there…I really think that the professionalism of all the actors could outdo those in the profession! It was a total eye-opener for me. All through God’s strength. And of course, met a few nice peeps there as well! I can’t believe we actually spent more time talking to each other than rehearsing actually. It was kinda sad that this whole thing had to end and we all had to go back to our CGs scattered all over Singapore. I’m missing those times already…
Pastor said it is only during times of satisfaction, and not times of lack, that we tend to forget about God. How true. I experienced the departure of His presence during times of satisfaction. And it is scary.
I need a helper in my life like how Adam got his in Eden. But let it not tempt me away from You.
Life is getting on in a circle. Viscous cycle. A cycle running on battery, lights are getting weaker as it goes by. I’m tired.
I’m tired of guessing if the helper is the one You sent. Show me soon, please. Let me be so sure of it, for I know if there are doubts, that’s not it.
For the one You send, let it possible for both of us to walk together in Your way.
But I know i shouldn’t be worrying about that. I need to put You first, and everything else shall be given to me.
Change.
Sometimes you feel that some place is really so so so SOOOO horrendous, SOOOO sickening that you should not even be at that place at all. I thought so. I thought the place could probably was really that bad, with absolutely no Pity, no Humanity, with just junks and dumps and tons of Work and Stress and Shit. I thought it probably could be the worst place on Earth when individuals were often punished, not punished as in punished, but punished severely, for the most minute mistake that anybody and anyone could commit, despite all the credits that were supposed to go to him for all the hard work and commitment. I thought I had been in the worst place on Earth for the past two years., working for the wrong people and for the wrong reason.
Yeah, I thought.
Sometimes nostalgia brings about the heartwarming, tingy feeling that renews our everyday. I can only conclude that Humanity does exist on this Earth. It is only in time of crisis when we see the true Human Spirit. Some times we don’t see it, but it is actually being practised. I realised and found out today. This is a wonderful world, thank God.
Only during times of trouble and danger does one knows how blessed he is:
1. I was so touched when both parents and all close friends rushed down to the hospital once they got the news that I was involved in a traffic accident.
2. I am so glad that I am stilL very much ALIVE!!!
3. I was so touched when one of my long time friend, who also had a Class 2B license, came immediately with his car to help me locate my bike. He agreed so steadily to even bring my bike home when asked. I mean, a long time no see friend, was so ready to help me! He even sent me and my parents to the police station after everything, in which was already about 12 midnight already. He was really a great help that night. Thanks Hadi!
4. I am so thankful that my pillion, a close friend, was not injured in the accident. He only got a bump on his butt. He was a pillion, and I was the rider, mind you! I wouldn’t know how to face his parents if anything were to happen to him.
5. I am so thankful that the caring uncle driving a white van behind me stopped and readily rendered assistance when the accident happened.
6. I am so thankful that an ambulance was passing by the accident site when we did not even call for one.
7. I am so thankful that some flesh and money for treatment and repairs, as well as some mobility, were the only things I lost in this accident. I gained much more than that.
8. I am so grateful that so many people called or SMSed me to check if I was ok when they recieved the news of the accident.
Also, sometimes, one really needs to start to count his blessings more, instead of complaining how bad their life is:
1. I was so touched that how a particular friend ALWAYS takes note of my MSN nick, and would come forward to ask if I was ok when my nick seems emo. After which, she will never fail to cheer me up. Really grateful to have such a friend. Thanks Madeline!
2. I am so happy to be saved. So touched that after so many years, He was still waiting, with arms open, for me to go to him. He even sent people around me to lead me into His path. All the great people, Luis, Why Chen and her mum, who have never gave up to serve His purposes, to help me be saved. And of course, Natalie, who was with me when I finally decided to give myself to Him.
3. I am so grateful to have a friend to talk with whenever I feel down or just not myself. He is always willing to spend hours to meet up for a coffee and chat with me.
Thanks Zheng Xiang!
However, even though He has been teaching us to be content with what we have, there are of course still things I really wished for…because till now, she still doesn’t know all these that had happened. How I wished she was the first one to know. How I wished she was the first one who was at the hospital. But none did came true.
It pains my heart that she was being bullied and insulted the very night I was in the hospital, all due to the lustful nature of men. Lust is a sin. I can only pray for her. Please discourage her from visiting those places again, and even if she did, please protect her from all those lustful men. For I can only pray, for she still doesn’t know.
Above all, I know You are the one that have been protecting me. Above all, I am thankful for all Your blessings. I want to walk with you, even closer to you. I pray for strength to overcome all the obstacles, to deal all the objections I will face in the future, to face all the challenges of my faith in You. For I know You have the best plan for me, bringing the best partner for me, to serve Your purpose. No amount of reasoning can demolish Your impeccable Truth.
The stars were out,
the night was clear.
I was all alone,
sitting by the pier.
Soft wave crashes by,
people fishing tied,
all seems to be alright,
unlike all the recent rainfall cries.
Cosmo is still at its standstill,
but when can I find my heart to be still?
Closest acquaintances can share my joy,
but can anyone understand
how full my glass is being filled?
The deepest in me surfaces,
only during in the midst of common slumber.
Nothing has changed all these years,
perhaps only the rising warmth and sea levels.
But standing right before the wave crashes,
is a man whose troubles can never reside
like the sea before his tears.
He is a changed man,
for better or for worse.
Only himself knew,
if he was for the better,
for he would not have been standing by the sea,
at the forsaken hour.
Borrowing the harmful burning mist in hand,
he could not be for the better.
If only she knew.
Such a man is never good enough,
he should just give up.
No man who stands before the sea,
spending time sinking in sorrows,
should ever be made for her.
If Thou have a better plan,
please give her the best.
For I am not the one,
who fits into Thy plan.
Till I know who I really am,
please give her all that Thou have.
For she is precious,
as a daughter in Thy eyes.
She definitely deserves better,
as precious in Thy eyes.
Tears can only fall,
when the next rain falls.
If only she knew.
If only she did not know.
-West Coast 0248 hours
There are so many things around me that warrant changes in me. It is scary, frightening, and very much uncomfortable. Friends around me are shocked with my new habits, new behaviours. Frankly speaking, I don’t like it myself too. It took me aback when I saw the face of one of my friends when he got to know about one of the new habits I acquired recently. I hate that habit. It is not me, again.
This period shall be the most remembered as the worst period of my life. Period of uncertainties, choices, and bad decisions. A time when I am not myself, a time when I put my heart too easily into people and things.
Why should I carry on setting goals because of someone whom I can’t be beside with? Whom doesn’t even know I am there for her, and worse still, doesn’t even know she is all i ever needed? I should be back to myself, and let things be what it should be. She has got her life and I got mine, they never intersected and never will. I dunno if I can give her what she wants, though I am willing to give her all that I have. I don’t have the courage to let her know, I don’t want to lose a great friend. It is not time, and it seems that it is never the time. Unless God has another plan. You have sent people to be around her to take care of her, and I know I am not needed. Please continue to take care of her.
We shall see how it goes. Back to my original plan. None of my loved ones shall suffer.
At this age, I must say it is really difficult for one to continue and stay at where they are. We must move on. Unless we are not provided with the opportunity, or have not even seen the opportunity, otherwise it is really difficult for us to just sit back and give ourselves a pat on our own backs for whatever we have achieved so far.
There are two reasons for saying so: Firstly, at this age, I have realised all that I have achieved are only medals achieved for competing in a fish tank. Just too meagre, and sad to say, useless and insignificant. Secondly, I have am starting to know people with great ambitions, working on them, and making progress. Looking to them, what great importance are certificates of merit and distinctions in studies are people talking about?
What is important is direction. Gone are the days where I only worry if I should attend tutorials or lectures. Gone are the days where my greatest concern was whether I could achieve distinction so that letter ‘A’s and *s could decorate my certificate of graduation. Unless it could guarantee an income that can put my life at ease, where I could stop worrying about being able to feed myself, live in a good property, ability to have my own car, and most importantly, free myself from the possible crisis that might arise due to sudden fall of critical illness on my family or myself, a good certificate is only a piece of good looking paper. I realised a good degree, be it masters or sometimes even doctorate degree, is only a key to a good job, a good job that only served the purpose of the bosses. Thinking back, I felt that I had been rather foolish to treat failing a certain exam as the end of the world.
Recently, whenever I enter McDonald’s and see the people over the counter slogging their guts out just for a meagre pay, I couldn’t help it but to ask myself: Do I want to be like them and work all their lives for some other people but only to earn a meagre pay? Why should I slog my guts out to work for others, when they are as many opportunities out there to make others work for me?
It took me a while to come to this conclusion. All my life, I have been brought up to believe in the absolute importance of a degree, such that without it, i would die. I was rather doubtful with any other ways that seemed to promised success without a degree.
But now, I have become convinced in doing otherwise. I was with somebody today who told me: "Statistics have shown, no millionaires in this world have achieved their financial status by solely holding a stable job and working for others." This was a big wake up call for me. I have never realised that there are too many people in this world who dreams to be a millionaire, but at the same time only believe in a stable income and working for others all their lives. I concluded I will not want to be like that. I don’t want to work for others all my life. Achieving financial freedom is not only a dream anymore.
A stable income can never guarantee the freedom from suffering when crisis hits. I will not want it to become a family crisis if any of my family members go down with any illness. I shall strive for my family, my loved ones, and my future family. They shall not suffer under any materialistic cause. It is time I pay back and show my gratitude to them for nurturing me into a strong and able 20 years old man. It shall be my motivating force.
One good friend told me: "If you want to do it, nothing can stop you from doing it. You will go all out to destroy any obstacles that stands in between you goal and you."
Nothing shall stop me.
No it is not about the TV serial.
Just trying to post another blog about my thoughts. I am sure you must be tired with reading about all my blogs about me being lost, lifeless, goal-less and stuff. Yes, even I am tried writing about all this myself, tired being lost and feeling empty. Just treating this as a journal. I am just writing down all these stuff for writing sake. Maybe also as a way to release myself too. Pardon me.
Maybe I should post this after my 2 full years of NS, but I think since it is ending also, might as well. Prepare for some rattle again about my NS experience.
I think I have made many wrong decisions. One of it is to decide to give it all while in NS. If you were to ask me what my NS experience was, I would not say it sucks or it rocks like many others would comment. I would say I gave too much.
I gave my heart and soul, I sacrificed my time, energy, and all the resources I could muster to help in the organisation of many major events within the army’s context. What did I get or achieve in the end? I could not care about recognition and credit for the least. Should not even be talking about getting extra pay for going the extra mile and burning midnight oil. I do not even get the empathy. There weren’t even "oh Zi Cheng had done quite some work, let’s not task him anymore" s heard from the bosses’ mouth. I just kept getting further ‘arrows’ from the them.
Maybe I have worked too much. People are too dependent on those who are doing more work. This is the thing about government sector, not only in the army. Those who worked are bullied, those who does not are left forgotten in one corner. Though not trusted, they are not tasked to do anything at all.
It is only now that I start to reflect about all the things I have done since I enter school. Where is all the passion and drive that I used to have when I was in NCC, in JJC as an OGL? I used to look forward to the each day at its beginning. Now I sigh at the end of each day. This is because I used to look forward to the new opportunities and challenges that might come each day, but now I sigh because nothing much is being accomplished each day.
I realised I am getting further away from my ambitions and goals I had when I was schooling. All the talk about being a doctor, or a police officer, now seems impractical. I can forget about medicine faculty, because I came from the wrong JC. With the big hooha about Dave Teo Ming, I am thinking thrice, four times, and or maybe even five times about signing on a uniformed service like the police force.
Looking back, there used to be so much drive. I am still able reminisce traces of such drive even while watching videos juniors leading their orientation groups during the orientation camps in JC. Now all that drive and passion are all gone. I need to find it back to set my direction in life back. My direction was lost when ambition and aspirations started to blur.
I also have many regrets. I have only gone through 20 years of my life and I already have regrets. Maybe it is human greed for greater success, or maybe I made just too many mistakes.
I have not taken up many of the roles tasked to me properly with the best of my abilities. Looking on how much Fuhua Secondary School had grown, I regret not commiting into being the Head Prefect. I had failed to play the role in spearheading the foundation setting of the student body. I had failed to set a student custom and culture that could be passed down through generation of students. I had also failed to commit into NCC. Being the pioneer USM, I could have spent my time planning for training programs which could be used as reference for future generations of cadet leaders. Instead, I failed to listen to advice and got involved in a relationship. It is not that the relationship had harmed me, but it had taken up all my time, which I could use to commit into creating the better for the school. I had failed the power and responsibility bestowed upon me as such. In a way, I am a let-down for many of my mentors and the principle whom had high expectations on me.
I feel guilty for being one of the main contributor in creating all the power struggle during the secondary school days, and all the dispute between classmates taking different subject combinations. Great wounds were inflicted, and great scars could still be seen now. Now I realise how childish I was then, as the fact was that I could not even compare to Justin when I could not fulfill even the most basic responsibility as the head of the student body - to commit time for the school.
I regret.
Perhaps it is true when people say criminals reflect the most before judgement day. I finally get the meaning.
